大家好，欢迎来到“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧洲赛场精彩看点层出不穷，五大联赛悉数开战，各大豪门纷纷上演精彩好戏，而奥运赛场也角逐出了冠军奖牌，这些无一不令球迷们大饱眼福。好了，话不多说，让我们看看国外段子手们的犀利吐槽吧

【内马尔任意球+制胜点球，巴西夺得奥运会男足冠军】

Eladir(巴萨球迷)：说实话，当看见内马尔去罚点球时，我的内心真是咯噔一下子…(Honestly it was so nervous to see Neymar kick the penalty…)

TimeFingers(巴萨球迷)：马儿离开梅西的时间有点长，看来老大传授的点球秘诀全都忘啦！(It has been so long a time without Messi and Ney almost forgot his guidance.)

Apzoix(墨西哥球迷)：踢进点球后，为了不影响和梅西的基情，马儿赶紧理了个土豪金的发型以表忠心。(Shoot in a penalty made him not that like Messi so Neymar immediately adopted the same blonde haircut after that.)

SeryaphFR(阿贾克斯球迷)：问世间情为何物，彼岸马声啼不住。(I can’t find out how to describe their bromance until I see what Neymar’s done across the ocean. )

(图)梅西：听说马儿也染了一个土豪金发型？

Andersen2016(里斯本竞技球迷)：我的天，真是命悬一线，巴西真的太需要这个冠军了！！(Damn, so close. But what a win for Brazil. Brazil needed this…)

DivineVibration(切尔西球迷)：我想段子手们可能更需要这个冠军...(I think Reddit may needed this more.)

Racooning(马竞球迷)：巴西确实需要这枚金牌，这不是对德国的复仇，而是桑巴足球自身的重生。(Brazil really NEED this, not as revenge, but as restart.)

EdDEUK_96(桑托斯球迷)：看球的时候，我邻居家的电视信号比我快10秒，不断地听他隔着墙剧透，这真是一场地狱般的折磨...(I can hear my neighbour's TV. It's about 10 seconds ahead of my stream. This is how i picture hell hearing him cried out everything cross the wall.)

Creampizza(巴西球迷)：当我们1-0领先的时候，我真的好担心德国超人队一言不合就追回7个球…(I was terribly afraid that super German would score 7 goals after we had one. )

Omgzpplz(奥兰多城球迷)：这场比赛总的来说，就是一场马儿不断喂饼而队友却不断挑食的过程。(Neymar keeps feeding his teammates and they keep wasting chances…)

LinXcze(热那亚球迷)：德国赢球了，德国球迷：“哈哈，巴西你们又输给我们啦！”巴西赢球了，德国球迷：“呵呵，这只是奥运会的比赛而已，谁在乎呢…”(Germany wins: Lol you lose again Brazil! Brazil wins: This Olympic game doesn't even matter.)

【强势起航，皇马3-0轻取皇家社会】

Huyehhd(皇马球迷)：告诉大家一个不幸的消息，好莱坞准备明年拍一部足球电影，而影片中扮演皇马球员的明星将是C罗和...贾斯丁-比伯...(Sorrow news that Hollywood to create a football movie in 2017, starring Cristiano Ronaldo and Justin Bieber as Real Madrid players.)

Tumtpion90(皇马球迷)：当初我们仅仅花费350万欧元就带来了阿森西奥，看着这如此有潜力的小将，真心觉得我们对不起人家马洛卡...(We got Asensio for 3.50m. Pretty much robbed Mallorca blind. Incredible talent.)

(图)这三支小队比赛，哪边会赢？

Uptiued12(德国球迷)：这场比赛是克罗斯在皇马的第100场比赛，效率真是高啊…我甚至都觉的咱刚刚在上个月签下了他一样…(This is kris's 100th game for real. Quite incredible he's done it this quickly. Feels like we just got him last month.)

【首站大捷，巴萨6-2皇家贝蒂斯】

BurgleYourTurd(热刺球迷)：梅西在那里只是散步，忽然他拿到球了，做了几个动作，接下来我就只能准备口型说“卧槽”了。（At first Messi is just walking. Then he gets the ballI and made some steps, at this time I could only say "Fuck this”.）

(图)你们对力量一无所知

Wat555(沃特福德球迷)：恭喜梅西本赛季成功进化成了超级赛亚人！(He’s gone Super Saiyan on us this season.)

Dalyon(里昂球迷)：我觉得能不能从MSN里抽出一个人来专门练练点球？他们的任意球都已经足够好了…(Can anyone of MSN practice penalty on purpose since their FKs are already so brilliant…)

Furnaceboy(巴萨球迷)：很好罗贝托，右后卫很适合你！顺便问一句，你可以踢替补中锋吗…(Good job Roberto, RB is a nice try for you but do you want to try a backup center forward as well…)

Messi_ah(阿根廷球迷)：让罗贝托踢右后卫真是恩里克最大胆的尝试，真很难找到其他教练会有如此的魄力，就连瓜迪奥拉恐怕都不行。(Roberto at RB is Luis Enrique's most brave scheme by far. Not sure any other manager in the world would think of that, even Pep Guardiola.)

Gythy(拜仁球迷)：瓜帅怎么改造罗贝托，这这我不知道，但我觉得他甚至会让小狮子踢后腰。(Ehh..I don’t know how Pep would do towards Roberto, but Stegen can play as a DM under his adaption.)

(图)献上一张两大天王年轻时的青涩照~

【曼城连战连捷，哈特接近离队】

BornNothing(曼城球迷)：瓜瓜，你的丁丁真是如丝般润滑...(De Bruyne is so silky in Pep’s guidance.)

Stevebiglegs(曼城球迷)：哈哈，你要想咱的萨内，京多安还有孔帕尼都还没出场呢！(To think we still have Sane, Gundogan, and Kompany to come. Lol)

Jo3Fr3sh(圣保利球迷)：阿圭罗现在的英超进球数已经和德罗巴一样了，而且他还少踢了102场比赛，他就是曼城的传奇!(Augero now has the same number of goals in the Premier League as Didier Drogba. He's played 102 games less. Legend of Man city.)

BrianKniv(丹麦球迷)：呃...你们别笑话那个爬到树上看球的哥们了，你没看见克拉罗夫和纳瓦斯的射门吗？球跑到树上那哥们手上的概率可比咱大多了，这才是智慧！(People are mocking the man in the tree, but have you seen Kolarov and Navas shoot? He has a better chance of a ball from there. Clever man.)

Rr220(埃弗顿球迷)：一边大骂瓜帅放逐乔哈特，一边又在赢球时在球场高唱瓜迪奥拉之歌，球迷们的做法有时也是匪夷所思。(Fans are blaming Guardiola for Hart while his chants ringing through the stadium after winning, weird things for them.)

Sebohood(巴萨球迷)：当年瓜帅在巴萨弃用小罗的时候，球迷的反应就和现在一样，开始时大家都是愤怒无比，但最后还是看到了他的道理。(This is basically how fan felt when Pep took over Barcelona and got rid of Ronaldinho. Well no, at first I was really angry, but eventually I came to see it this way.)

(图)卡洛斯：我只是想静静地欣赏小罗踢球

Budgeprong(未知主队球迷)：真不理解曼城这种没有底蕴的土豪球队还有球迷，而那些历史悠久的老牌球队却无人问津。(I just can’t fugure out why a team like Man City with nothing but money could have so many fans while a long-history team like us should be ignored.)

Krillin113(曼联球迷)：朋友，支持并不出众的小球队也不代表你就有高品味；同样，当强队的粉丝并不意味着你也能随球队走向巅峰。足球本来就是一个欣赏的过程，若把它当做秀优越的平台，只能反衬出你内心的空虚。(Well bor, suppoting an unknown team doesn’t mean you have a great taste while a giant team fan can’t always find real achievements in his life as his teams dose. We watch football for fun and those making the supporting teams as a flaunt are indeed show off their ignorance. )

(图)“对不起，我今后恐怕不能再见你了！”“为什么？”“因为英超联赛开始了...”

【两轮不胜！阿森纳0-0莱斯特城】

Twigg89(阿森纳球迷)：放在以前，我厂至少还能混个“得势不得分”，但现在，他们甚至连“假装在踢攻势足球”的本事都没有了...(At least Arsenal could hold advantage before but now they can't even pretend that they play attacking football anymore.)

Eudstar(切尔西球迷)：莱斯特城0-0科斯切尔尼(Leicester City 0-0 Laurent Koscielny.)

Giaccherinho(尤文球迷)：直到现在我也不明白，为什么沃尔科特的周薪比桑切斯还高…(Still can’t figure out why Walcott has a higher salary than Sanchez.)

【伊布梅开二度，曼联强势连胜】

Neurgh(热刺球迷)：我真的希望，曼联的复兴再晚两年到来吧:(...(I was hoping United would wait a couple more years to make their comeback :(

Lax4Evr(曼联球迷)：这场比赛最令我开心的就是最后几分钟，我竟然感受不到德赫亚的存在了…这可真是难得一见的场景。(The best part about watching this game is that I kind of forget that we have De Gea in the last few minutes. That hasn't happen often.)

【得势不得分，利物浦0-2伯恩利】

Xeroskill99(利物浦球迷)：库蒂尼奥尝试了26脚精彩射门，成功地将观众的帽子打掉了25个。(Coutinho - Attempts 26. Fans heads taken off -25.)

YoungJava1992(曼联球迷)：看到你们有80%的控球率却还是进不了球，我都怀疑我在看范师傅的比赛了。(Seeing you have 80% possession and still can't score a goal, I just thought there was Louis.)

【真的假的？中国财团将要收购利物浦】

Rockstarrzz(利物浦球迷)：有啥用？反正这些钱最后还不是付给南安普顿！(They’ll end up giving all their money to Southampton anyway. )

WinterTBE(利物浦球迷)：我有点担心我军的队服会不会成为中国国旗那样，一片火红之上点缀着五颗金星。刚刚我忽然想起来，我们的队服好像一直都是这样的...(I was just wondering whether Liverpool kitswould start to look like Chinese flag if this happens. red all over withfive little stars? Suddenly I realized we had already have that.)

Spartanfox(利物浦球迷)：道理我都懂，但他们能给咱买个左后卫吗？(I’ve known it but can they buy left-back?)

【联赛首秀即进球！伊瓜因助斑马军团赢得开门红】

juviegar(尤文球迷)：为什么小烟枪变胖了？因为他对进球充满了饥饿感！(why he got fat? because he's hungry for goals.)

warpus(巴萨球迷)：阿尔维斯依然穿着条形球衣，但再也不是熟悉的红蓝色了...(Dani Alves is still in  stripes but not  blaugrana any longer.)

Theghostinwin(意大利球迷)：根据维基百科的统计，布冯再有39场比赛就可以实现俱乐部和国家队总出场数1000次啦！(Accordingly to Wikipedia, Buffon only needs 39 more appearances to make it to 1000 for club & country.)

亲爱的小伙伴们，本期“国外也有段子手”就给大家播报到这里啦。本期节目由于一些不可描述的原因，晚来了一天向大家推出，小编在此含泪致歉......本周，精彩比赛又将来袭，让我们拭目以待，期待下期更加精彩的歪果仁吐槽吧~